You were bound to find out.
I’m a liar. I mean, I do sleep a lot because I love sleeping so that part from my blog the other day is not a lie.
But, the part where I said I don’t watch a lot of TV?
That was a lie.
A big, fat, bald-faced lie – so called because 18th-19th century businessmen often grew beards to mask facial expressions when making “deals,”(Check it out http://tinyurl.com/5s9k7).
By the way, though: Props to bald people. Get a rough end of it, don’t they?
But back to me. I’m obsessed with TV right now.
It wasn’t always like that. TV just got good again. It comes and goes, and as a trendy person I notice this. It rides a wicked wave of popular, topical, social-media driven themes, I’d argue, and I’ve been known to need a Dramamine to get through more than one episode of several shows, but thanks to Netflix (didn’t see that “thank you” coming, did you?) and Hulu, not to mention YouTube’s and Yahoo!’s experimental forays into television-esque programming based on their subscribers’ likes and such, TV has never been easier to watch.
Or harder to get away from.
So, at the risk of becoming a broken record, but also because a hit’s a hit, regardless, that’s why you listen to the same song over and over, I’ve chosen to chronicle lessons learned from another show that I can’t live without, just like Downton Abbey, The Walking Dead. (Although, I don’t have nightmares of a dowager countess attacking me with verbal insults as I repeatedly bash her head in with the broken handle of a hoe).
Also, I promise not to make a habit of these lists.
For now, though, just humor me.
Ten Things I’ve Learned From Watching The Walking Dead
1. Leave the children. They’re nothing but dead weight anyway. Point them toward the woods and tell them to run and look for culverts. Remind them ants are edible, in a pinch.
2. Don’t trust a church in the middle of a cemetery with bells on a timer. But, do take a moment to go inside and pray. It is always good to pray. Kill any zombies that are also in the church praying because they are not, in fact, praying.
3. Learn to whisper.
3a. Steal anything you like, paying special attention to essentials like a mermaid necklace or a red short-sleeved shirt that you think would “look real nice on” you. However, waste all bottled water on yourself by pouring the whole thing over your head because it’ll probably be hot that day.
4. Remember those walkie-talkies you got for your eighth birthday? Better find them. You’re gonna need them. (Steal some batteries while you’re at it).
5. Zombies tend to favor back seats. Unless they’re in a truck. Also, as a season progresses, they get a lot faster.
6. When all else fails, just have a good cry. Just find a rock, a stump, a tree limb, the back of an RV, and just sit right on down and cry awhile
7. Don’t forget to practice that whispering.
8. Don’t drive at night in the middle of a storm when there are zombies everywhere. Or, if you absolutely have to because, say, your husband insists, to the point of ridicule, on being the good guy especially to a wayward pastor-veterinarian whose turned to drinking again at the local watering hole, then don’t get pregnant. (See #1).
9. He who carries the gun carries the show. The problem, though, is when everyone pitches a fit because they don’t have a gun to carry, no one’s got the show.
10. Stay the hell out of Georgia.